Meal Train
Delivered Groceries
Helping us Grieve
Things friends and family did to help us through the initial grief process that really helped. Consider doing this for others or when someone asks what you need, direct them to this.
Giving Space
Lending an Ear
By Jenah Cook - Stepmom
Donations & Fundraisers
Taking Charge
MEAL TRAIN - One of the most helpful things that everyone did for us during the initial 1-2 weeks was a meal train. We stayed at our campground, around our chosen family. Every night around dinner time, a meal would appear on our outdoor table. We didn’t have to ask and a friend of ours organized the whole thing, asking us about allergies and dislikes before allowing people to sign up to make and bring us meals. We had everything from KFC, to BBQ, to chicken wings and the best spaghetti I ever had.
And after his funeral, our camp familiy hosted a dinner for everyone to attend.
Offer a Place to Stay or Rest
Clean
Gift Cards
Memorabilia
DELIVERED GROCERIES - Although we didn’t have a grocery delivery per say, we did have someone in our neighborhood deliver items that we would forget about while at the store - paper plates, napkins, toilet paper, paper towels, ziplock bags, those sorts of things. They also sent some homemade cookies and a card. Never knowing these people, it truly touched my heart.
I have seen where “Grief Groceries” has been making its round on Facebook - where instead of asking what someone can do to help, they just send a delivery of groceries to the house. Things like frozen pizza, ice cream and ready to make meals that can go in the freezer and pop in the oven whenever that person is ready for a quick meal.
GIVING SPACE - Sometimes you want to be alone, and other times you want to be surrounded by people. And sometimes, you want both at the same time. We were fourtunate enough that we were allowed both of those things. My mother took our two youngest kids at home back to her house in Michigan, and we were able to have all the quiet time we needed. And when we needed to be around people, we simply went outside at our campground. Our campground family did not make it weird for us either! They knew Brian and talked with us about how great of a kid he was. His friends even came up the weekend he passed and still celebrated his birthday with us. It looked a little different that what we imagined, but it was great to have his friends around telling us stories.
LENDING AN EAR - This one was simple for so many people. It felt like all we want to do is talk about Brian, there’s so much to say! And everyone has lent us an ear and shoulder to cry on. We found comfort in being that person as well for his friends to come to when they needed to talk or cry.
DONATIONS & FUNDRAISERS - This is what helped fuel the BForever21 Foundation. I had a friend, Diana, start a GoFundMe a few days after Brian’s death. Having someone close to you who knows the person who has passed, and has a way with words, can start a GoFundMe or other crowd sourcing donation-based site. Diana then shared it all over Facebook and through text messages to mutual friends. Before I knew it, our goal was almost half-way met. She also shared it on the news articles and various Facebook groups.
I also got in touch with the news station (I felt like they owed me for showing his wrecked bike all over for likes and views) and asked them to come to the dedication of “B’s Spot” so I could share our plans with the foundation, which they did.
TAKING CHARGE - I had a select few friends that took charge and made sure we were being taken care of. Coty organized gathering monetary donations without us knowing, and Jackie organized a meal train and cleaned up our campsite. My closest friend Amanda knew I wanted shirts and flags made and got in contact with a wonderful woman and made sure to get those started for me. Amanda also took it upon herself to check in on my house daily and make sure my pets were fed, and my house didn’t get trashed while we were at camp. I didn’t directly ask for any of this, but they wanted to help and just found a way that they could!
OFFER A PLACE TO STAY OR REST - Although this wasn’t a need for us because we stayed at our camper, being in a home that you raised a child in for most of their life is hard. There are small reminders everywhere. Having a place to go to have a clear headspace can help one alot mentally. Consider staying at a hotel, AirBnB, or friend/family members house. It also helped with not having to worry about the constant cleaning that needed to be done.
CLEANING - My mother-in-law and mother helped clean up our house when we were at home. And our friends helped keep our campsite clean. I didn’t have to ask, it just got done as needed. And Amanda made sure that our house was never trashed by our pets while we were not around. Mail was brought inside, and our yard was taken care of by another neighbor at home.
GIFT CARDS - Cassy and Ryan received some gift cards from their friends and family since they did not have a meal train set up. Gift cards are a great idea for those who just don’t have the energy to cook, have allergies or may be traveling around a lot. When one of Brian’s friends was hurt in a motorcycle accident a few weeks after his accident, we made sure to get his family a bunch of DoorDash gift cards so they didn’t have to plan our meals or pay to order in while at the hospital.
MEMORIABILIA - Some of the most cherished items I now own are items that our friends personally made for us or had made for us. We had t-shirts and flags made. My neighbor at camp (who lost her son a few years back) made us a lantern with Brian’s name on it. His employer had a concrete bench delivered to the funeral home. My nephew’s family bought us a memory windchime. My employer had a lantern engraved and sent to our home. Most of these things I moved to our campground on our waterfront dock and made a sitting/reflection area to remember Brian at when we are feeling sad or just beome overwhelmed with missing him.
We are not a family of faith, and with that being said, it was very helpful for all of us for others not to judge us on that.
When people have their own beliefs, and it brought them personal comfort to pray for us, we allowed it. If you are a person of faith, reach out to your communities and have them give you the support you need.
All these things helped us tremendously while we navigated the unknown grieving process.
